Beginning in the Middle

September is a busy month for us.  Students are coming back to school which means answering questions about moving in and contracts.  For George, it means going back to school and getting used to a whole new schedule.  Add on top of that two jobs for George and demanding callings and you can say our September was going to be anything but quiet.  Add into that trying to have a baby and trying to get foster care certified and you could say that we were certifiably insane.

We weren't thrilled that we had to wait until mid-September for our home study but it was what it was.  I had to contact our licensor partially into September about rules of who could stay in our home once we were licensed and we found out that our licensor did not expect for us to be licensed any sooner than 30 days from our home study.  We were shocked.  Friends who had been in our class already had kids in our home and had their license within a day of their home study.  We couldn't believe she was telling us 30 more days.

Luckily, we received a call from a different licensor a few days before our home study who informed us that she was going to take on some of our licensor's work load.  We were just fine with that.  She spent almost five hours in our home.  She asked us personal questions about our lives for over 4 hours.  Questions about our relationships in our families, our relationship together, our rules, our schedules, etc.  Questions so invasive and I sit and think wow, I have to go through all of this just to have a child in my home.  If only everyone had to do this before they had kids.  Sure would make some people re-think it.  I understand the reasoning behind the questions but man, I already struggle to have biological children, does being a foster or adoptive parent have to be so hard?  I hope it makes you think twice before saying to someone, you could always adopt.  Like it's just a simple alternative.

Our Home Study licensor left and told us that we should be licensed the next day and our license should be in the mail.  A week passed and we hadn't heard anything.  I contacted her and she said my licensor said it was in the mail.  The next day we received it!  We were so excited.  We took pictures and then...I looked at the picture.  Lo and behold, our address was wrong.  I contacted the licensing office.  Is this a problem?  Yes, it definitely is.  We'll have to send a new one.  Great, I thought!  Maybe this really isn't meant to be.  So many hang ups for something that had gone so easily for other friends.  Maybe we weren't meant to be foster parents.  Maybe it was asking a little too much.

In the meantime, we were also on round two of fertility medications.  They put me on femara for our first and second round.  We were hopeful that there would be fewer side effects, which there were. What a blessing. Same timeline as last time.  Take the medications, look for mature eggs through ultrasound, eggs not mature enough, take some more medicine, have another ultrasound, looks good.  Order an HCG shot.  Plan the shot at just the right time that night because we have to be together 12 and 24 hours post shot.  One day post hopeful fertilization I started on progesterone suppositories and lovenox shots.  Every night, a shot in the stomach and suppositories inserted.  It was uncomfortable and miserable each month.  Progesterone makes me crazy and emotional.  On top of all of the emotions of trying to get through the waiting.  (I know people doing IVF have it even worse than this and I can't even imagine that.)  Then two weeks of waiting.  Unsure if what you are doing is even going to help anything, if your egg was even fertile or if it could possibly be the time that it is going to work.

I thought for sure the second round was going to work.  I had a good sized egg, in fact it was huge.  I knew this was it.  I looked for every symptom possible.  Every twinge.  Every ache.  This could be it.  It could really work this time.  I went in for my blood draw two weeks later.  I got the phone call at work at 2 p.m.  This was it, I was ready to be excited.  My boss was in my office and I told her I had to take the call.  I shut the door to my office, ready to face the outcome.  And then, the news.  I'm sorry Sharylann but it didn't work this time.  I didn't realize how much I had been holding onto the hope that this was the time.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  I cried so much that I couldn't stay at work.  I sent my bosses a message and told them I had to go home.  Then I went home and cried.  I was devastated.  All of this work and now I can't even get pregnant to even have a miscarriage.  It was so disheartening.  I wasn't sure I could do one more round of this but I knew if I didn't I would be wondering whether or not this could ever work for us.

Then October came...

It Has Begun

We made it through the classes. Classes with disturbing images of children abused and neglected. I spent some of the time wondering was it really fair that these people who don't treat these children kindly were able to have children and I can't even hold on to one pregnancy? Sometimes, it feels so impossibly unfair. I don't understand it and then I'm reminded of a friend's words a couple years ago who said that if good couples all over the world were able to have children, who would take care of the children who didn't have those kinds of homes. Those words have stuck with me through some hard times.

We finished our classes and paperwork in July and started our first round of fertility medication right after. We thought both processes would be fast. Why should either take much time? We had done everything we needed to do.

Mid-August came. Round one on fertility medications came and went with no pregnancy success. Okay, I can deal with that. Not everyone succeeds on their first try. I just wasn't quite used to it cause the last miscarriage we had was on fertility meds that had worked the first time, but I could deal with it. On to round two.

We started getting reports from friends who had been in our foster care class that they had their home studies set up and then that they were licensed and we heard nothing. We wondered what was going on and tried to be patient. I finally tracked down the phone number to our licensor and she was out of town. When she got back to me, she informed me that it was good I had called because they had misplaced our paperwork. She wouldn't be available to see us until the first week in September. We had to find a time that fit our work and school schedule and wound up scheduling for mid-September.

The plans were already not working out as we had thought they would. Onward ho!

Where to Begin

Warning: There are parts of this post that contain talk of blood. Do not read if you can't handle bodily functions.

I will be doing a series of posts. I'm not even sure where to begin, when to post, or exactly what to include. My feelings are in such a strange place right now and I don't even know what I am feeling most of the time. I'm going to give myself time to write each part as I'd like.

Lately, bath time is my time to reflect. It takes me from everything else that is going on in my life, blankets me in warm bubbles, and for a few minutes I can think or not think and it doesn't really matter. It's my escape. I've taken a ton of baths over the last few months, I've needed a lot of escape time. Let me tell you why.

I had been working with a counselor for almost a year in early May and was finally feeling like I was in a good place emotionally. I decided that I could be done seeing a counselor and he agreed with me, both of us understanding I could come back at any time. I had dealt with depression and anxiety for almost two years due to pregnancy losses and had been working hard to get through it. Physically you can't tell I have been working on it, in fact I've gained 80 lbs. since this all started, but mentally I was ready to go. I wasn't sure if that meant trying to have kids again but I did know it meant I was happy and headed in a good direction.

Right around that time, my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office began calling to see if I was going to come back in. I had concerns, like not having lost any weight and I hadn't been having regular cycles, but also knew I'm almost 34 and I'm not getting any younger.

I agreed to an appointment and went in to talk to the doctor. George and I agreed that I was in a good place emotionally and that after almost two years since our last miscarriage, it was probably time to try again. First things first though, have a period.

Right around this same time, LDS family services announced their changes to their adoption services and we were informed of an info session being held by the Utah foster care association about adopting through foster care. George and I decided we should look into this as well. We had been prompted this direction before but were never quite ready. We went to the meeting and right as we stepped out of the car, we knew we were in the right place. After the meeting was over, we were on our way out and felt prompted to turn around and go back in. We did and we got signed up for the classes that started the next week at the beginning of July. 32 hours of classes in 3 weeks. It was going to be an adventure.

Sometimes, class was fun. Sometimes, it was incredibly hard. Let's top it off with my doctor inducing a period for me. I hadn't had one in months. I sat through work and those classes in immense pain, soaking through my feminine products and at times my clothes. I was miserable and embarrassed but knew I was following two roads that I needed to be on...I just didn't realize the journeys I would face with both paths.

To be continued...