Where to Begin

Warning: There are parts of this post that contain talk of blood. Do not read if you can't handle bodily functions.

I will be doing a series of posts. I'm not even sure where to begin, when to post, or exactly what to include. My feelings are in such a strange place right now and I don't even know what I am feeling most of the time. I'm going to give myself time to write each part as I'd like.

Lately, bath time is my time to reflect. It takes me from everything else that is going on in my life, blankets me in warm bubbles, and for a few minutes I can think or not think and it doesn't really matter. It's my escape. I've taken a ton of baths over the last few months, I've needed a lot of escape time. Let me tell you why.

I had been working with a counselor for almost a year in early May and was finally feeling like I was in a good place emotionally. I decided that I could be done seeing a counselor and he agreed with me, both of us understanding I could come back at any time. I had dealt with depression and anxiety for almost two years due to pregnancy losses and had been working hard to get through it. Physically you can't tell I have been working on it, in fact I've gained 80 lbs. since this all started, but mentally I was ready to go. I wasn't sure if that meant trying to have kids again but I did know it meant I was happy and headed in a good direction.

Right around that time, my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office began calling to see if I was going to come back in. I had concerns, like not having lost any weight and I hadn't been having regular cycles, but also knew I'm almost 34 and I'm not getting any younger.

I agreed to an appointment and went in to talk to the doctor. George and I agreed that I was in a good place emotionally and that after almost two years since our last miscarriage, it was probably time to try again. First things first though, have a period.

Right around this same time, LDS family services announced their changes to their adoption services and we were informed of an info session being held by the Utah foster care association about adopting through foster care. George and I decided we should look into this as well. We had been prompted this direction before but were never quite ready. We went to the meeting and right as we stepped out of the car, we knew we were in the right place. After the meeting was over, we were on our way out and felt prompted to turn around and go back in. We did and we got signed up for the classes that started the next week at the beginning of July. 32 hours of classes in 3 weeks. It was going to be an adventure.

Sometimes, class was fun. Sometimes, it was incredibly hard. Let's top it off with my doctor inducing a period for me. I hadn't had one in months. I sat through work and those classes in immense pain, soaking through my feminine products and at times my clothes. I was miserable and embarrassed but knew I was following two roads that I needed to be on...I just didn't realize the journeys I would face with both paths.

To be continued...