Today

I just feel like plopping myself down and bawling.  I'm frustrated too that I am gaining weight recently because my medicine is supposed to stop that from happening and what makes it even worse is that I can't exercise.  So, my clothes don't fit, I can't workout, and I have nothing to show for it.  It's not a good morning.  Sorry for the downer.

Today's Adventure

Well, I feel like I have had tons of adventures lately.  Definitely some new experiences but I meet very kind people along the way.  Today was the ultrasound.  The doctor was hoping that maybe they could see some indication of whether I have a tubal pregnancy or whether it is just tissue left in my uterus that is causing the HCG levels to keep rising.  The first exciting part of this was that I had to drink 32 oz. of water and not pee for 1.5 hours.  You have got to be kidding me.  I had to pee so bad by the time I got in there.  The technician was very kind.  At first I wasn't sure I wanted her to be doing it because she was cute and pregnant, but as she talked to me during the procedure she was really nice.  We found out that it was her first baby and that was after rounds of Clomid, so immediate respect for someone else who had struggled to get pregnant.  (Not that I don't respect the rest of you, just that there is, I believe, a special bond between women who have a hard time getting pregnant.) 

Basically, she repeated what my mom and the doctor have both said that I can't do things the easy way and there is something not normal about all of this.  So glad I can be the abnormal one.  lol.  I always had to do things the hard way.

Anyway, we were talking about my PCOS and she was checking out my ovaries and she showed me my "cysts".  It was pretty cool.  I sometimes have had doubts that I really have PCOS and had wondered if maybe the doctor hadn't been a little too hasty in diagnosing me with it, but this left no doubts in my mind.  There were a lot of them.  So at least I know that hasn't all been in my head.

So, what now?  I wait.  It's like this eternal game Heavenly Father and I play together, called the waiting game.  :)  On Monday I will go in for another HCG test and then hopefully by Monday afternoon the doctor will have some answers for me and we will take a course of action.  Then hopefully in a couple months George and I can try again to have a baby!

Things are good.  I am happy.  No worries.  I'm dealing and laughter will make it all work out.  PLUS, We just found out that George is going to receive training in the pharmacy at Wal-mart which will give him more opportunities to grow!  I am so excited for him and possibly more pay!  Woo hoo.

The Reason I Have PCOS

I was looking online for books about PCOS and I came across the book PCOS For Dummies.  Within the first chapter of the book, it explains how PCOS is caused.  Typically it is a genetic disease, if another woman in your family has it, you are more likely to have it.  However, there was one reason that I hadn't heard before that caught my eye.  Apparently, if your father had premature balding, you are more likely to have it!  So there you have it folks, my dad is the reason I have it.  hahaha.  I love it!

Swagbucks

Hey all.  Last year I joined a site called swagbucks.  Basically what it is, is a search engine.  If you use their search engine then you can sometimes win, swagbucks.  I use mine for amazon gift cards.  It takes 450 swagbucks to get a $5 amazon gift card.  It doesn't take long to earn them if you use the search engine regularly.  Last year, I earned $15 in amazon gift cards just before Christmas, it was awesome!  Today is their birthday so they are doing even more searches today and giving out more swagcodes today as well which means it is a great day to join.  Click the link if you want to join http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/shanty29

Doctors

I am thankful today for sympathetic doctors, who even when they can't tell you what the heck is going on, at least want to make sure you are okay.  :)

No baby, just more questions and appointments.  Hopefully by the end of next week I will be healing from whatever procedure is decided is the best and then we will be back on our way to trying to get pregnant in a few months.  Thanks all for your love and support.

Today I am thankful for:

1. Kind doctors
2. That I'm not in pain
3. My wonderful husband
4. The love and support from my friends and family

Blessings

"I have learned in my life that trials are blessings in disguise if we accept them with humility, faith, and fortitude. All that we suffer and endure with patience will build within us a more charitable and tender person, having acquired the education we came on earth to receive." - Elder Lloyd P. George 1994

“And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more” (D&C 78:19).

 I have many blessings to be thankful for and I know that each person's trials can help them become better people.  When we accept that all things come from our Father in Heaven, then we can accept that He knows us, loves us, and wants the best for us and in the end gives us nothing we can't handle!

Update - Please keep us in your prayers

Okay, so the adventures continue.  After bleeding for a week and thinking that the pregnancy was completely done with, it turns out it is not all over.  I had to go in for my (what we thought was final) HCG test yesterday to make sure the levels had come down like they were supposed to.  When I finally got ahold of the doctor's office yesterday afternoon, it turns out that my levels are at 245.  That is from 85 during my ER visit last week.  Obviously, they aren't doubling like they should be if I were having a normal pregnancy (didn't even expect to still be pregnant).  So, the doctor decided he wants me to have another HCG test tomorrow and then come in for an appointment.  They told me on the phone that it was either an ectopic pregnancy or not a normal pregnancy.  Great information to find out.  :)

I had been dealing slowly with the effects of a miscarriage and had been getting used to the idea and ready to get back to leading my life normally and now this.  Wow, I don't know what Heavenly Father wants me to learn, but it is definitely something. 

Yes, there is a part of us that has hope, hope that the numbers are wrong, the bleeding was wrong, the doctor's are wrong and that maybe, just maybe it will all work out okay.  But, there is the realistic part of us too and the part that has already been dealing with the hurt and pain and just wants an answer either way.  Please keep us in your prayers.  I need Father in Heaven's help more than ever, if for nothing more than just the comfort that everything is going to be okay and we will recover from this. 

Thanks for all your love and support!

Anniversary

Oh how I love my hubby!  I am going to put pictures up someday, but my camera is in the lost and found at my parent's house so I can't download any until I get that back.

This weekend was our one year anniversary and it was wonderful.  George and I were both home on Friday and I was getting ready to go to a hair appointment when we decided to get a room at the anniversary inn at the last minute and leave on Friday night.  It was so much fun.  We drove to Salt Lake, checked into our room and then went to see "When in Rome."  It was a cute movie.

The anniversary inn was cute but we weren't as impressed with it as we are with the Castle Creek Inn, which is definitely better.  That afternoon we went to Kam and Steve's sealing to their sweet baby Ruthie.  It was such a special event and I am so happy for them that they get to have that beautiful little girl with them forever.  It was so special.  What a blessing adoption is.

After the sealing, George and I walked around for a little bit before our dinner.  Then we went to The Roof.  I had always wanted to go there and it was great!  The dessert was the best.  We were seated right behind the temple and it was just beautiful to watch the sun set and then the lights to come on over the temple.  I am so spoiled and it was a wonderful evening.

George gave me the Time Traveler's Wife for my anniversary gift and I was so excited!  I loved that movie and was so excited to get it.  Saturday night we went back to our honeymoon hotel, the Castle Creek Inn.  It is amazing!  They had rose petals strewn all over for us as well as hershey kisses and sparkling cider.  They've added cool changing colored lights in the jacuzzi tub and it was awesome!  Breakfast there is wonderful as well.  They give you two courses and it is hot and filling.  We love every visit there!

I have thoroughly enjoyed the last year with my wonderful husband.  He is the most amazing man in the whole entire world.  He has stuck with me through thick and thin (pun intended).  George started school this year, which has been tough but will be so worth it in the end.  We found out how much dental work George had and have been chipping away at that.  We have almost paid off all of our "dumb debt".  We tried to get pregnant without any luck until we found out I had PCOS and that is what caused the weight gain.  Then we got pregnant and lost it.  It has definitely been an adventurous year but  one that has caused us to grow in so many ways.  I am thankful for everyday that I have with this amazing man and don't know what I would ever do without him!  I love him so much and am eternally grateful for him.

I'm Sorry

I just want to apologize to anyone who read my last blog and thought I was upset at them or ungrateful.  I am not ungrateful for the knowledge that, yes, we can get pregnant.  However, I am hurting.  That does not take the pain away.  But I am sorry if I in any way offended any of my friends for not looking at that positive.  I know we are blessed and I know I have many friends who struggle with the same things George and I had been struggling with.  I am sorry if I have been insensitive towards those struggles.  I would never want to make someone feel bad about the path their life has taken. 

Yes, it appears I can get pregnant.  However, at this point that does not mean I can hold onto one (which is a sad but true condition of PCOS.)  I run a 50% risk of miscarriage every time I do get pregnant.  I'm not saying it won't ever work.  And I know each of us holds onto the hope that it will work.  I love each of you and I do not take any of our situations lightly.  I know we each struggle in our own ways and that yes, there are positives in each of our struggles.  But right now, I am struggling to hold onto the positives.  There is a pain that I can't describe and I know each of you have your own that I can't understand either.

Don't think me ungrateful.  Just understand that I hurt.  I love you all.

Sure

Everyone keeps saying, well at least you know you can get pregnant now.  Yeah, like that helps!  You try going through what I am going through and then tell me that it is all okay!  I am so mad right now that I can scream.  I try to hold it all in so that no one sees how upset I am but let me tell you something, this hurts so bad.  Don't blame me if you say that to me and I don't want to talk to you.

New Washer

Isn't it funny how sometimes life just laughs at us. Last weekend George and I were able to get our taxes done. We sent them in and were all excited to know how much money we were getting back. Then the washer stopped mid-cycle with all the water still in it. hahahaha. Yes, very funny. At least it stopped on my last load of wash. Then a couple days later we got a form in the mail that said because we settled some debt we had to count the rest as income so now we have to do an amendment to our taxes, so we are now $400 less richer than we thought we were. Oh well, we got a new washer and I have been working on laundry that I haven't been able to do for two days now. Sometimes, I just laugh at how fate works.