End of the Beginning

But definitely not the beginning of the end. I'm looking forward to November because it's not October. October was hard, good, bad, devastating, and full of blessings. I'm not sure how to feel about everything that has happened. Maybe I'm not ready to feel it yet. I'm sure it will come when I least expect it but for now I'm living.

This post is rather long and intense but I wanted to finish writing it all out today.

The foster care adventure continued into October. We finally got the correct license in the mail. We are finally officially licensed. The process was longer than we thought it would be. Then we got our call from our RFC (sorry, not sure what it stands for) from DCFS. They were ready to meet with us and get to know us so they knew who we are and what kids would be best in our home. They made the appointment to come to our home. We got up early that morning to clean and I took part of the afternoon off. Then, they cancelled. Ha. Just our luck. But you know what, we rescheduled for December because on the day we got the call from our RFC, we found out we were PREGNANT!

What! It worked! I talked to my doctors and we decided for the third cycle I would use Clomid instead of femara. They put me on the highest dose and it really worked. I wound up with six follicles. That almost kept them from letting me follow the cycle through to the end cause that's too many but they did a blood test and only three had eggs so they decided that was okay. We followed the same procedure for the two weeks of waiting, all the drugs and I just knew this time we had the best chance.

Then I began to feel extremely tired and I had aches and pains and I had my blood test and I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I went in three days later for a second blood test and my hcg levels had doubled and they said I was good to go.

You really think it would be that easy?

I started spotting a couple days later but it didn't last long. The doctor's office wasn't too worried but they brought me in for a blood test to help ease my mind. The hcg levels didn't quite double but they weren't worried.

Okay, I would just stop freaking out and go with the flow. Sunday night, we told family that we were pregnant. It was early but we wanted them to know before anything happened. I was having some pain but it was mostly a dull ache and I tried to ignore it.

George suggested I call the doctor's on call number just to be safe. I told the nurse about the ache and spotting and she told me it was probably nothing but that if I was scared or had more pain I should go to the ER. I didn't know what to do. I was sure I was being paranoid so we didn't go Sunday night.

I woke up Monday morning with the same dull ache but quite a bit of brown bleeding. That wasn't normal. I could have ignored it. I started my day normal, got mostly ready for work, showered, shaved my legs, etc. I told George, okay I'll go to the ER just to be safe but I'm ready to go to work when they tell me I'm crazy and send me home.

I really thought they were going to tell me I was crazy when I went in. They were going to tell me I was paranoid because of my previous miscarriages. They were going to send me home and laugh at the crazy pregnant woman.

They inserted an IV, took loads of blood, gave me lots of fluids, took me for an ultrasound, and asked me tons of questions. Then we waited. We didn't have to wait long. The doctor walked into my room, put his hand on my shoulder, and with a very grim look told me that it looked like I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and that I needed to go into surgery right away. WAIT. STOP. WHAT?

Okay. I went straight to planning mode. There was no time to think. I had to call work and my mom and find someone to give me a blessing and figure this all out. George just had this helpless look on his face and I felt so bad that my husband had to go through this. Me? I couldn't think. I think I was in shock. Then the doctor gave me hope when he said maybe it was a ruptured cyst because my hcg levels had doubled again and maybe I was still pregnant. Lots of doctors, lots of questions, tons of information. I went into surgery still having hope.

They wheeled me into the surgery room and I was making jokes about the cap they put on and needing pictures. The first thing I asked when I woke up was how my husband was. I was so worried about him worrying about me. He informed me it was a ruptured ectopic and that they had to remove my right tube. The doctor was also worried about something he saw on the left side.

The next week was full of resting and doctor's appointments. My hcg levels began dropping like they should. It was definitely gone. This time was just different than others. I lost body parts this time but my doctor said that was good because it was not a good tube and had just been causing me problems.

So many people were so kind and took care of us. There was so much love from friends and family and we appreciate it so much. Tons of food, too much food. I worry that I made people feel like I didn't want help or that I was ungrateful but I was so grateful.

I didn't know how to soothe people's feelings who were trying to make me feel better. I was drugged and in pain. But I was alive and okay. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father guided me to the ER that morning. And I know there were lots of prayers out there on our behalf which I am grateful for.

The healing is still happening physically but it looks good. 5 days post surgery I began having the most horrific cramps I have ever experienced. For almost 5 days. I never want to feel that again. I was on pain pills for cramps. Horrible. The day the cramps ended, the sinus infection began. Finally got that diagnosed today. I missed one and a half weeks of work but I'm so thankful for those at work that kept my job going.

I have my surgeon's follow up on Monday and they should clear me to get back to my life. I'll be able to exercise again and do normal life things again. Maybe then I'll start physically feeling good and not be sick anymore either. I'm looking forward to that day. I need those comforting activities to start to heal emotionally.

My doctor will now do tests on my other tube to see if I have any blockages there. If I do, our only option to have biological children will be IVF. Who does IVF for over $10,000 to risk another miscarriage? Not sure if I'm willing to do that.

We'll move forward on foster care as soon as I'm physically and partially emotionally healed.

6 gone. 6. My heart hurts. But I don't want to feel it. I'm not sure if I'm ready to feel it. I know it will come when I least expect it. Please don't be upset if I see you and your kids and have to walk away, or if I leave the chapel during a baby blessing, or if I don't come to your baby shower. I need to heal. I may have to go back to my therapist but I'm hoping that I learned enough that I can make it through this one.

A hug suffices. You can't fix this hurt. Don't tell me I'll have kids, you don't know that. Don't tell me I'll get pregnant as soon as we adopt or have foster kids. We've already seen that's not true. Just put your arms around me, give me a hug, and tell me you love me.

I'm okay. I'll be okay. I am no braver or stronger than you are as you deal with your challenges. Heavenly Father and our Savior are there to ease our burdens and make us stronger. I'm thankful for them and for their protection through this whole thing and I'm thankful for the new paths I am now facing through this journey. My life is not what I ever expected it to be but it's so much better in so many ways.

So this is not the beginning of the end, it is the end of the beginning of a whole new path.

Beginning in the Middle

September is a busy month for us.  Students are coming back to school which means answering questions about moving in and contracts.  For George, it means going back to school and getting used to a whole new schedule.  Add on top of that two jobs for George and demanding callings and you can say our September was going to be anything but quiet.  Add into that trying to have a baby and trying to get foster care certified and you could say that we were certifiably insane.

We weren't thrilled that we had to wait until mid-September for our home study but it was what it was.  I had to contact our licensor partially into September about rules of who could stay in our home once we were licensed and we found out that our licensor did not expect for us to be licensed any sooner than 30 days from our home study.  We were shocked.  Friends who had been in our class already had kids in our home and had their license within a day of their home study.  We couldn't believe she was telling us 30 more days.

Luckily, we received a call from a different licensor a few days before our home study who informed us that she was going to take on some of our licensor's work load.  We were just fine with that.  She spent almost five hours in our home.  She asked us personal questions about our lives for over 4 hours.  Questions about our relationships in our families, our relationship together, our rules, our schedules, etc.  Questions so invasive and I sit and think wow, I have to go through all of this just to have a child in my home.  If only everyone had to do this before they had kids.  Sure would make some people re-think it.  I understand the reasoning behind the questions but man, I already struggle to have biological children, does being a foster or adoptive parent have to be so hard?  I hope it makes you think twice before saying to someone, you could always adopt.  Like it's just a simple alternative.

Our Home Study licensor left and told us that we should be licensed the next day and our license should be in the mail.  A week passed and we hadn't heard anything.  I contacted her and she said my licensor said it was in the mail.  The next day we received it!  We were so excited.  We took pictures and then...I looked at the picture.  Lo and behold, our address was wrong.  I contacted the licensing office.  Is this a problem?  Yes, it definitely is.  We'll have to send a new one.  Great, I thought!  Maybe this really isn't meant to be.  So many hang ups for something that had gone so easily for other friends.  Maybe we weren't meant to be foster parents.  Maybe it was asking a little too much.

In the meantime, we were also on round two of fertility medications.  They put me on femara for our first and second round.  We were hopeful that there would be fewer side effects, which there were. What a blessing. Same timeline as last time.  Take the medications, look for mature eggs through ultrasound, eggs not mature enough, take some more medicine, have another ultrasound, looks good.  Order an HCG shot.  Plan the shot at just the right time that night because we have to be together 12 and 24 hours post shot.  One day post hopeful fertilization I started on progesterone suppositories and lovenox shots.  Every night, a shot in the stomach and suppositories inserted.  It was uncomfortable and miserable each month.  Progesterone makes me crazy and emotional.  On top of all of the emotions of trying to get through the waiting.  (I know people doing IVF have it even worse than this and I can't even imagine that.)  Then two weeks of waiting.  Unsure if what you are doing is even going to help anything, if your egg was even fertile or if it could possibly be the time that it is going to work.

I thought for sure the second round was going to work.  I had a good sized egg, in fact it was huge.  I knew this was it.  I looked for every symptom possible.  Every twinge.  Every ache.  This could be it.  It could really work this time.  I went in for my blood draw two weeks later.  I got the phone call at work at 2 p.m.  This was it, I was ready to be excited.  My boss was in my office and I told her I had to take the call.  I shut the door to my office, ready to face the outcome.  And then, the news.  I'm sorry Sharylann but it didn't work this time.  I didn't realize how much I had been holding onto the hope that this was the time.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  I cried so much that I couldn't stay at work.  I sent my bosses a message and told them I had to go home.  Then I went home and cried.  I was devastated.  All of this work and now I can't even get pregnant to even have a miscarriage.  It was so disheartening.  I wasn't sure I could do one more round of this but I knew if I didn't I would be wondering whether or not this could ever work for us.

Then October came...

It Has Begun

We made it through the classes. Classes with disturbing images of children abused and neglected. I spent some of the time wondering was it really fair that these people who don't treat these children kindly were able to have children and I can't even hold on to one pregnancy? Sometimes, it feels so impossibly unfair. I don't understand it and then I'm reminded of a friend's words a couple years ago who said that if good couples all over the world were able to have children, who would take care of the children who didn't have those kinds of homes. Those words have stuck with me through some hard times.

We finished our classes and paperwork in July and started our first round of fertility medication right after. We thought both processes would be fast. Why should either take much time? We had done everything we needed to do.

Mid-August came. Round one on fertility medications came and went with no pregnancy success. Okay, I can deal with that. Not everyone succeeds on their first try. I just wasn't quite used to it cause the last miscarriage we had was on fertility meds that had worked the first time, but I could deal with it. On to round two.

We started getting reports from friends who had been in our foster care class that they had their home studies set up and then that they were licensed and we heard nothing. We wondered what was going on and tried to be patient. I finally tracked down the phone number to our licensor and she was out of town. When she got back to me, she informed me that it was good I had called because they had misplaced our paperwork. She wouldn't be available to see us until the first week in September. We had to find a time that fit our work and school schedule and wound up scheduling for mid-September.

The plans were already not working out as we had thought they would. Onward ho!

Where to Begin

Warning: There are parts of this post that contain talk of blood. Do not read if you can't handle bodily functions.

I will be doing a series of posts. I'm not even sure where to begin, when to post, or exactly what to include. My feelings are in such a strange place right now and I don't even know what I am feeling most of the time. I'm going to give myself time to write each part as I'd like.

Lately, bath time is my time to reflect. It takes me from everything else that is going on in my life, blankets me in warm bubbles, and for a few minutes I can think or not think and it doesn't really matter. It's my escape. I've taken a ton of baths over the last few months, I've needed a lot of escape time. Let me tell you why.

I had been working with a counselor for almost a year in early May and was finally feeling like I was in a good place emotionally. I decided that I could be done seeing a counselor and he agreed with me, both of us understanding I could come back at any time. I had dealt with depression and anxiety for almost two years due to pregnancy losses and had been working hard to get through it. Physically you can't tell I have been working on it, in fact I've gained 80 lbs. since this all started, but mentally I was ready to go. I wasn't sure if that meant trying to have kids again but I did know it meant I was happy and headed in a good direction.

Right around that time, my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office began calling to see if I was going to come back in. I had concerns, like not having lost any weight and I hadn't been having regular cycles, but also knew I'm almost 34 and I'm not getting any younger.

I agreed to an appointment and went in to talk to the doctor. George and I agreed that I was in a good place emotionally and that after almost two years since our last miscarriage, it was probably time to try again. First things first though, have a period.

Right around this same time, LDS family services announced their changes to their adoption services and we were informed of an info session being held by the Utah foster care association about adopting through foster care. George and I decided we should look into this as well. We had been prompted this direction before but were never quite ready. We went to the meeting and right as we stepped out of the car, we knew we were in the right place. After the meeting was over, we were on our way out and felt prompted to turn around and go back in. We did and we got signed up for the classes that started the next week at the beginning of July. 32 hours of classes in 3 weeks. It was going to be an adventure.

Sometimes, class was fun. Sometimes, it was incredibly hard. Let's top it off with my doctor inducing a period for me. I hadn't had one in months. I sat through work and those classes in immense pain, soaking through my feminine products and at times my clothes. I was miserable and embarrassed but knew I was following two roads that I needed to be on...I just didn't realize the journeys I would face with both paths.

To be continued...

Life

Life happens so quickly.  It flies by.  Changes happen and before you know it months have passed.  Quick snapshot of our life over the last few months.

April 2014

• I got a new job.  I now work for BYU Campus Accommodations.  This was a huge blessing for our family.  It included a pretty significant raise that allowed us to go from taking student loans each year to no student loans.  I felt extremely grateful for the opportunity and have enjoyed working here.
• George and I were asked to do the maintenance for our apartment complex.  It started out crazy and for the first few weeks we were working over 40 hours a week gutting an extremely disgusting apartment.  This was a second blessing because it provided free rent for 10-15 hours (supposed to be anyway) a week.  Perfect for while George is in school.
• At the end of the semester, George was in the machine lab and the guy in charge there offered George a job.  George was then able to get the job approved as an internship and was able to fill all of his internship hours for his major.

May 2014

• Due to the maintenance job, we switched wards so we weren't in the same wards with those we do maintenance for.
• George was called almost immediately to be the assistant clerk working with finance.
• Shortly after, I was called to be the Primary President.  Wasn't expecting that one and it definitely wasn't an auxiliary I was looking for a calling in but it has been a great growing opportunity.

June 2014

• We were slammed.  Life was crazy.  We were both working full time and pooped by the end of the day each day.  We were feeling blessed but crazy busy.

July 2014

• George and I decided that with our life as crazy as it was, why not make it crazier.  
• We attended a foster care information session and felt like we were where we need to be.  We walked out of the building after the info session and turned around and went right back in and got signed up for the classes.
• George and I completed all 32 of our foster care class hours in 3 weeks.  We also got all of our paperwork in.

August 2014

• Crazy busy and waited for our licensor to contact us.
• They misplaced our paperwork and she went on vacation so we had to wait.

September 2014

• School started.  Four semesters left.  We can't wait.
• George is still working at his TA job but has decreased his hours to 6 hours a week.  He is also still doing maintenance at our apartment complex for about 10 hours a week (sometimes more). 
• We completed our Home Study and are now just waiting to hear from DCFS.  We are also waiting for our license in the mail but they told us that everything was good to go.
• We've also been working with our fertility doctor but we're not having success.  We'll see what happens.
• In the meantime this month, we took a couple nieces and a nephew to the circus and we had so much fun.  George took a couple nephews to a football game with him.  We plan to do a fun activity with each of our nieces and nephews.
  

Long Time

It's been a long time since I have written anything on the blog.  I may need to make it a weekly goal or something like that.

Life is busy.  Really busy.  I can't keep up with my house cleaning busy.  That kills me.  Anyone who really knows me, knows what a neat freak I am and that it is killing me not to have more time to clean it.  But the busy is good.  I'm working, George is going to school, I'm taking two dance classes, George is still in the bishopric, and we take trips and just have plain fun together.

George and I celebrated our five year anniversary this year.  We love each other more than we did day 1.  We also have had a ton more hard things in our lives than we ever expected in those 5 years.  We thought we would be in a totally different place then we are but life is good and we are happy.

Here are some fun things we've done over the last few months.

We've spent time hanging out with these cute little stinkers.  They are so much fun.  They make me smile.

I've realized I have a new cooking love.  I love to make cheesecakes.  They are so good and I love the finished product.  I love to see how they look when they are done.  We also finally found ourselves a fire to sit in front of this year.

Around the holidays, we decided to do a huge sleepover with most of the Smith nieces and nephews.  It was crazy and no one slept but we sure had fun.

My Birthday was in January and my awesome student employee decorated my computer with happy birthday signs.  George, Lizabeth, and I went to see the ice castle in Midway.  It was tons of fun.  It was a great birthday.  I've learned that I am a quiet birthday kind of person.  No more busy birthdays. A normal workday and then time spent with family and friends.

We surprised my sister and her family when they went to Disneyland.  We had told them we couldn't come and then we went.  It was fun to spend that time with their family and my parents and Ben.

Our 5th anniversary was in February.  George picked the spot and we went back to our Honeymoon place at Bear Lake.  We loved just getting away for the weekend and spending some time together.  It snowed most of the weekend but on our way home it was gorgeous.  We stopped by some of my old schools and houses in Hyrum and Logan on the way home.

Other than that, we've done just random things like spend time with my little brother, go to school and work.  I've been taking a tap and ballet class and have had many discoveries over the last semester.  I'm happy with life and enjoying it one step at a time.