End of the Beginning

But definitely not the beginning of the end. I'm looking forward to November because it's not October. October was hard, good, bad, devastating, and full of blessings. I'm not sure how to feel about everything that has happened. Maybe I'm not ready to feel it yet. I'm sure it will come when I least expect it but for now I'm living.

This post is rather long and intense but I wanted to finish writing it all out today.

The foster care adventure continued into October. We finally got the correct license in the mail. We are finally officially licensed. The process was longer than we thought it would be. Then we got our call from our RFC (sorry, not sure what it stands for) from DCFS. They were ready to meet with us and get to know us so they knew who we are and what kids would be best in our home. They made the appointment to come to our home. We got up early that morning to clean and I took part of the afternoon off. Then, they cancelled. Ha. Just our luck. But you know what, we rescheduled for December because on the day we got the call from our RFC, we found out we were PREGNANT!

What! It worked! I talked to my doctors and we decided for the third cycle I would use Clomid instead of femara. They put me on the highest dose and it really worked. I wound up with six follicles. That almost kept them from letting me follow the cycle through to the end cause that's too many but they did a blood test and only three had eggs so they decided that was okay. We followed the same procedure for the two weeks of waiting, all the drugs and I just knew this time we had the best chance.

Then I began to feel extremely tired and I had aches and pains and I had my blood test and I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I went in three days later for a second blood test and my hcg levels had doubled and they said I was good to go.

You really think it would be that easy?

I started spotting a couple days later but it didn't last long. The doctor's office wasn't too worried but they brought me in for a blood test to help ease my mind. The hcg levels didn't quite double but they weren't worried.

Okay, I would just stop freaking out and go with the flow. Sunday night, we told family that we were pregnant. It was early but we wanted them to know before anything happened. I was having some pain but it was mostly a dull ache and I tried to ignore it.

George suggested I call the doctor's on call number just to be safe. I told the nurse about the ache and spotting and she told me it was probably nothing but that if I was scared or had more pain I should go to the ER. I didn't know what to do. I was sure I was being paranoid so we didn't go Sunday night.

I woke up Monday morning with the same dull ache but quite a bit of brown bleeding. That wasn't normal. I could have ignored it. I started my day normal, got mostly ready for work, showered, shaved my legs, etc. I told George, okay I'll go to the ER just to be safe but I'm ready to go to work when they tell me I'm crazy and send me home.

I really thought they were going to tell me I was crazy when I went in. They were going to tell me I was paranoid because of my previous miscarriages. They were going to send me home and laugh at the crazy pregnant woman.

They inserted an IV, took loads of blood, gave me lots of fluids, took me for an ultrasound, and asked me tons of questions. Then we waited. We didn't have to wait long. The doctor walked into my room, put his hand on my shoulder, and with a very grim look told me that it looked like I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and that I needed to go into surgery right away. WAIT. STOP. WHAT?

Okay. I went straight to planning mode. There was no time to think. I had to call work and my mom and find someone to give me a blessing and figure this all out. George just had this helpless look on his face and I felt so bad that my husband had to go through this. Me? I couldn't think. I think I was in shock. Then the doctor gave me hope when he said maybe it was a ruptured cyst because my hcg levels had doubled again and maybe I was still pregnant. Lots of doctors, lots of questions, tons of information. I went into surgery still having hope.

They wheeled me into the surgery room and I was making jokes about the cap they put on and needing pictures. The first thing I asked when I woke up was how my husband was. I was so worried about him worrying about me. He informed me it was a ruptured ectopic and that they had to remove my right tube. The doctor was also worried about something he saw on the left side.

The next week was full of resting and doctor's appointments. My hcg levels began dropping like they should. It was definitely gone. This time was just different than others. I lost body parts this time but my doctor said that was good because it was not a good tube and had just been causing me problems.

So many people were so kind and took care of us. There was so much love from friends and family and we appreciate it so much. Tons of food, too much food. I worry that I made people feel like I didn't want help or that I was ungrateful but I was so grateful.

I didn't know how to soothe people's feelings who were trying to make me feel better. I was drugged and in pain. But I was alive and okay. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father guided me to the ER that morning. And I know there were lots of prayers out there on our behalf which I am grateful for.

The healing is still happening physically but it looks good. 5 days post surgery I began having the most horrific cramps I have ever experienced. For almost 5 days. I never want to feel that again. I was on pain pills for cramps. Horrible. The day the cramps ended, the sinus infection began. Finally got that diagnosed today. I missed one and a half weeks of work but I'm so thankful for those at work that kept my job going.

I have my surgeon's follow up on Monday and they should clear me to get back to my life. I'll be able to exercise again and do normal life things again. Maybe then I'll start physically feeling good and not be sick anymore either. I'm looking forward to that day. I need those comforting activities to start to heal emotionally.

My doctor will now do tests on my other tube to see if I have any blockages there. If I do, our only option to have biological children will be IVF. Who does IVF for over $10,000 to risk another miscarriage? Not sure if I'm willing to do that.

We'll move forward on foster care as soon as I'm physically and partially emotionally healed.

6 gone. 6. My heart hurts. But I don't want to feel it. I'm not sure if I'm ready to feel it. I know it will come when I least expect it. Please don't be upset if I see you and your kids and have to walk away, or if I leave the chapel during a baby blessing, or if I don't come to your baby shower. I need to heal. I may have to go back to my therapist but I'm hoping that I learned enough that I can make it through this one.

A hug suffices. You can't fix this hurt. Don't tell me I'll have kids, you don't know that. Don't tell me I'll get pregnant as soon as we adopt or have foster kids. We've already seen that's not true. Just put your arms around me, give me a hug, and tell me you love me.

I'm okay. I'll be okay. I am no braver or stronger than you are as you deal with your challenges. Heavenly Father and our Savior are there to ease our burdens and make us stronger. I'm thankful for them and for their protection through this whole thing and I'm thankful for the new paths I am now facing through this journey. My life is not what I ever expected it to be but it's so much better in so many ways.

So this is not the beginning of the end, it is the end of the beginning of a whole new path.